34 lines
6.0 KiB
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34 lines
6.0 KiB
Markdown
# On a serious note, I am an alien.
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please hear me out... i wrote this... wall of text that would have constituded a text message. and instead of throwing it into the ether entirely as I normally do, i thought perhaps that i will post it here. Maybe some day the intended recipient will read it and it will ring true unlike when I've tried to express it, which I understand, is so diffult to hear and impossible to relate to even if one really tries to. but... i have a lot of issues that i need to deal with because i feel bad so much of the time, and so much of it i know the reason why, and i can't just live my whole life in denial which takes a million forms... or maybe i can. but i dont want to. and maybe i need help bad when it comes to being brave about my feelings and them being real for more than just those rare moments when i manage to tell you them. i know it's so much easier to let me pretend im not an alien and then forget that i ever said that, i really need to not have to say it, some day, as soon as you can try to help me with that, i would really feel better if i could just be an alien and not have to pretend i wasn't ever again...
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`txt.msg`
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---
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*so, the thing is i am really struggling with the whole "having to have sex with humans if i want them to feel like i love them." - thing again.*
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... it is the cruelest thing, sometimes. to consider...
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how deeply unrelatable this is to most people.. i think in a real way, nobody but asexuals actually believe in asexuals... and plenty of them, myself included*, have doubts themselves. i can tell that partners would *LIKE* to believe me and they try to ***consider*** this... but i don't think it's actually ***possible*** for them to. i think it's as unfathomable to them as someone claiming they are an alien, but one that looks and acts identical to any other human in every way but one, and they'll even perform that one thing if they have to. they just dont like to. oh, and that one thing happens to be one of the only things enjoyed singularly but almost every human being who has ever lived. that kind of alien, that you suspect might actually not be an alien but just for some reason thinks that they are. i know they believe that I think that I am asexual. I think that they think I don't realize that I am really just a human who has a funny quirk where they for no apparent reason but with complete sincerity believe that they are an actual alien but are different in no other way. then, when i bring it up, it's like, "you what- oh, yes, you did beg me to not blow off that one thing in the beginning of the relationship about you being an alien, yes, that does kinda ring a bell... but, since then, you have admitted you are a human, i thought?",
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"no... i just did the thing that i said i could but would make me feel bad, and is the thing which therefore alienates me, but that if you wanted me to do it anyways, i wouldn't be brave enough to remind you again, and so i'd do it, and then i'd have done it, and you'd have started to get used to it already, and so by the time i bring it up again, it will be because i'm seriously strugglling with this whole, "alien" thing but i love you enough to just pretend, and I did so for this long, and now, I'm hoping since i have proven that I am willing to do this, we can maybe just not do that anymore?"
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"wait... are you breaking up with me"
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"I'm very much not breaking up with you, i do not want to break up with you"
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"but you just said you don't love me anymore"
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"i did not say anything even remotely like that, I said that I don't want to keep pretending to not be an alien because it hurts me to do so but that I wanted you to see how much i loved you because even though it hurts me, i pretended not to be an alien this whole time even after i told you it would hurt me, and begged you not to let me do that, but also told you that i would love you even if you did but that there would come a day where I would not be able to or not being willing any longer. but it never means i dont love you just because i have to be an alien - at least most of the time. i dont mind pretending sometimes, and i don't mind you pretending with others if that's not enough, i just don't want you to think that i dont love you or want you to feel good even if that looks different for us in a way that makes me an alien to you in a real way."
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im not really an alien, but it does feel that way sometimes. I actually think people would be able to understand better if i really did have at least one legitimately alien feature, like some green little ears sprouting from my head that end in cute little trichomes.
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and to be fair - I am asking more than what is reasonable of you. I know. It's possible for both of us to be selfless in this case. not without some really difficult changes. and i doubt that even if we tried it would work out, and i think we know why that is. human nature is not on our side here. I am not on human nature's side, maybe. Though i am human, so it must be part of human nature at least... it's not fair. I am not complaining, I am stating a fact. It cannot be fair, it's in that way no different than any other relationship: it requires a compromise. But whether that compromise is worth it to you... well, if it's as difficult for you as it is for me, then it would never reasonable for me to ask it of you. I cannot find a better way to say it. I just ask you to consider the implications of this statement. I'm too scared to let go of this denial. But that doesn't mean I don't know the truth.
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`- Jess`
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###### * *though i am owning the fact that i live in active denial and therefore would. it is painful, of course, to knowingly live in denial... but you can add it to the list of things you cannot understand if you don't. sorry, that was me being facetious. youll have to take my word for it, it all i can really say, and i apoligize for being rude a second ago. i am so tired of having to justify being in love with an act that hurts me, it has me at my knees sometimes with despair. i am only human, and it is much easier to bespite than despair... please forgive me this spite, i hope you understand.* |